That One Time I Almost Died...

This photo was taken in the afternoon some hours before I smoked the infamous "Gelato 41"

My time in circus school was intense in all the ways you can imagine. As I look back on this period in my life, many of the days blend together, as is normal when remembering events from long ago. However, there was one event that I remember very clearly. I don't think I'll forget it for the rest of my days, nor do I want to. It serves as a reminder of the fragility of life. Like a sink filled to the brim with water, one moment it's full, and then when the stopper is pulled—it's drained completely within moments. Such is the same with our life force. This is the story of a near-death experience I had. Consider this your warning. I will recount this story fully without holding back any of the uncomfortable details and descriptions. Again, consider yourself warned...

It was a normal day. Well, as normal as circus school can be. I awoke completely destroyed as usual. Body aching, a mental fog that had accumulated from training like a madman, and not having slept enough for many days in a row. To top it off, I had started working as a massage therapist in my free time to help pay for my living expenses. Finally, my training as a massage therapist was coming in handy (literally). I was giving 10-15 massages per week on top of my circus classes. 10-15 hours of massage a week isn't crazy alone, but on top of my schooling, it was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. My wrists were even extra strained. They were never getting the rest that they needed. The pain was building. I was inching towards a breaking point, but I was so inside it all that I didn't have an objective view from the outside. I couldn't see the cliff that I was metaphorically sprinting towards. Looking back, I can see that many factors in my life were getting out of control. I was smoking joints constantly without pause from sunup to sundown. I smoked for many reasons: One - I can't tell you how much I love to smoke and then fixate on my hand balance training. It's a great pleasure of mine. I can smoke a joint and then go DEEP into a Jedi mindset for many hours. However, I was also smoking as a means of escape. I suppose I was trying to numb my physical pain. Or maybe I was trying to numb the constant disbelief in myself that I was feeling daily. Either way, I was smoking too much. I don't believe smoking weed is inherently a problem, but one should always know their reasons as to why they are doing it. On top of this, I was in a relationship that wasn't working. My girlfriend and I were fluctuating from ecstatic ignorant heights to crashing lows that were leaving me emotionally exhausted. She had something called 'Borderline disorder' which made things...well, complicated. That's all I'll say about that (for now?). Between the rollercoaster ride of a relationship, the demands of becoming a professional hand balancer, and not taking care of myself (not resting, smoking too much, not eating enough calories) - it was just a matter of time before something happened...and sure enough, something did.

We were having some friends over to watch a circus show on our television. Before watching the show, I decided to take a bong rip. Again, this wasn't out of the norm for me. I had been smoking for years at this point. I wanted to take a hit and then sink into the couch while enjoying the show. As you can guess by the buildup of this writing, that's not exactly what happened. About 10 seconds after taking the hit, I felt my consciousness instantly starting to fade; something was happening, and it was happening fast. It was as if I was smacked by a train of unconsciousness. The last moments before I passed out, I remember thinking, "Hm. This isn't normal. Oh shiiiiiiit....", and just like that, I fell to the floor. For one reason or another, my body decided to turn off. I stopped breathing, my face became blue from lack of oxygen, and I began to have some sort of convulsion/seizure—vomiting on myself in the process. I'm not sure of the exact order in which these things happened, but it was more or less a simultaneous happening of these things. I only know this from what my friends told me because, in the moment, I was in a different universe. And when I say different universe, I'm not speaking in hyperbole. I really was. Let me try and describe the "place" where my consciousness went...

I was in a completely dark void with flashing lights of all colors. All the colors that ever existed were strobing on and off a thousand times per second. What you would see at a rave is a useful comparison. In the midst of this infinite darkness with strobing lights was me. But it was "me" with no body. I was not a physical form. I still recognized my individuality as 'Corey', but I was physically formless, like an amoeba without borders to contain me. Upon realization of the fact that I was no longer bound by a physical body, I was ecstatic! It was ecstasy in the truest sense! I felt freer than I had ever felt before. I began to expand and contract my energy force in whatever way I desired. I expanded and contracted over and over again to each and every various degree. I was like an energetic puddle of water that could manipulate myself into whatever shape I wanted. I shaped and shifted. I shifted and shaped. It was the purest form of dancing I've ever experienced. It was orgasmic. The problem was that the "soul orgasms" I was having could not be stopped. The pleasure of being free from my physical body and finally experiencing the essence of my true "self" was too intense for me to handle. The pleasure of 'oneness' with the universe was overwhelming. I felt like a balloon that was being filled to my limit. The pleasure kept growing and growing without pause. I went from complete ecstasy to discomfort very, very fast...and then from discomfort to unbearable suffering. If I was a balloon, then I was about to burst. I felt a type of suffering that I've never experienced before and can't even begin to put it into words. In some sense, my writing here is in vain. To truly articulate it is impossible. I wanted it to stop, but the pleasure kept growing and growing and elevating to new heights. It was as if I was having a pure unadulterated taste of the universe, of consciousness, yet I wasn't ready for that. In the face of the overwhelming realization of what I was feeling (God? Energy? Source? The Universe? Atman? The release of DMT within my brain?) I realized that I couldn't take it. It was too much. In an instant, in the middle of the infinite void with flashing rave lights with my boundary-less body, I wanted to die. I wanted it to all be over as soon as possible, and in that moment the only way out seemed to be death. I wanted death. I begged for death. I felt hopeless. I let out a scream of anguish and despair. I screamed into the void. "I WANT TO DIE!", and then BOOM - I snapped back into reality.

I awoke completely confused, surrounded by paramedics and my group of friends who had just watched me look death straight in the eyes. Their faces were in shock and with tears. At the moment, I had no memory of what had just happened. I was covered in small cuts and little splotches of blood from my thrashing around, but I didn't know why. I had my own vomit on me, but I didn't know why. I was in a state of total confusion. The recollection of this whole other world/dimension that I just described above would only come back to my memory some days later...

Fuck. I just started to cry as I'm writing this. This is the first time that I've ever put this experience into words like this, and I still don't understand what happened...continuing...

When I had stopped breathing and had gone into the other "dimension" (the amoeba experience), my friends jumped into action. One friend called an ambulance, and another administered CPR to me (he got my vomit on him in the process). A third friend had to hold me down because, in the midst of my convulsions, I was swinging around like crazy and smashing things. Apparently, when I screamed for death (while in the void that I described above), my body listened to my command and actually shut off. For whatever reason, after some amount of time, it also decided to turn back on.

First off, I know all this sounds wild and doesn't make complete sense, but I'm just relaying to you what happened to me. What you make of it is up to you. There are many things that I still don't understand about this experience. Where did I go? What was that place that I went to? Did I see behind the curtains of this 'reality'? Or was this just a drug-induced trip?By the way, there HAD to be some other drug on that weed. My guess is DMT. Here is another thing that makes me go, "Hmmmm."The friend who gave me CPR that day just so happened to come by our house. He hadn't planned on coming over, but while biking through the city, he found a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses on the street. Innocently, he decided to bring them by our house to see if one of us wanted them. Moments later, he was saving me. What would have happened had he not found those glasses? What if he hadn't come over that day? I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm a lucky man...

Below is a poem that I wrote a day or two after this whole experience. "Gelato 41" is the name of the weed strain that I smoked that day.

06/22/2020

"Gelato 41"

I'll remember this day forever.

Reality is not always rainbows and butterflies.

I took one hit and comatose hit me like a train. Eyes rolled, blue face, pale skin, what the fuck was in that strain? Gelato 41 to the brain.

15 minutes from start to finish. 7 minutes in a breathless state. 3 angels that changed my fate.

From a morning of mourning to a night of fight. I'm seeing how close I came to the light. I'm tired, bloody, bruised, and thankful that I am. They affirm the life in me that still stands.

I was waste deep in death, pasty and out of breath, but still with life left.

I was trapped in a black void that couldn't be avoided. Blind bliss quickly turned into a vivid Hell.

Flashbacks to inner demons and outward screamin'. Is this what Dorthy saw behind the curtains? Nothing is for certain...

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive. There's no rhyme to this last line. I'll say it one more time. I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.

thankyou...thankyou...thankyou.

When people see this tattoo on me they ask what it means. Usually I respond - "Oh, that's a story for when the time is right". However, it never seems to be the right time to share something such as this...

Hmmm....