Paris Predicament

After China, I returned to Paris. I had planned to stay for a few months this go-around. I'd be living with Stella (somehow we managed to stay in contact throughout my whole time in China - the romance continued...) and in the meantime, I'd wait for upcoming circus school auditions, continuing to train and prepare as best I could. Being in Paris also allowed me to dive deeper into the circus culture, which was essential as auditions approached. Again, I was a complete noob, and I didn't really know much about the world I was so desperately trying to enter. I started taking public classes in a circus tent and began learning the basics of acrobatics: forward rolls, backward rolls, handsprings, backflips, acrobatic-style conditioning, circus-style flexibility, etc. Most importantly, I met and developed a friendship with a retired handbalancer who ended up being my first handbalancing teacher. I didn't speak French, and he didn't speak English, but luckily, when it comes to the dynamics of a student-teacher relationship in handbalancing, this doesn't really matter. He took me under his wing and started to give me as much knowledge as I could handle. He believed in me. He always told me that I had great potential as long as I didn't hurt myself and destroy my body in the process. I guess he could already see my propensity for pushing too hard. He told me these things through other students who acted as translators. Before long, I was part of a handstand community. We trained together, drank beers together, spent days at the park together, and one of these friends would even give me a place to sleep once things with Stella and I went sour. Finding the world of handbalancing and circus was like finding the puzzle to which I belonged. For so long, I'd been trying to find where I, as a puzzle piece, fit, but never did I find the right place. It was refreshing. Finally, things made sense to me. I knew exactly what I wanted and where to focus my energy. It wasn't clear how I'd get there, but at least I knew which direction to shoot.

Being in Paris and finally spending time with Stella after all our time apart was actually very strange. Our relationship up until that point had always been under the guise of crazy adventures. Meeting along the Ganges River in India. Quick rendezvous weeks in France while I was working in China. A random trip to Tunisia (which she paid for because I was broke). Never had we experienced the normalcy of simply living together. Normalcy brought its own complications and showed us some things that weren't possible to see before. Our connection was true and special, but looking back, I believe it was only supposed to serve each of us for a specific time. That time was now nearing its end. Maybe that's the reality about all relationships. Part of me believes that to be true, that no romantic relationship is supposed to be forever. That we must help each other learn something and then let each other go. However, the other part of me believes something different - it wants to find someone to share the rest of my existence with. It wants to find someone to build a kingdom with. Us in our own world that we create together - a safe haven from the chaos of this unexplainable reality in which we find ourselves. Maybe in some way, they are both true. Maybe it's a choice that we choose. Anyways. It was time to take all the lessons in love that had been learned between each other and to continue moving forward. I can say all this now with ease and see how all the dots connect. It makes sense. However, at the time, it was much more difficult to accept. I was beginning to feel like a bag of weights slowing her down in her Parisian life. Contrarily, I needed to focus on my aspirations as a circus artist and my future. Unfortunately for me, love is a huge distraction, and at that point in my life, I had no idea how to balance everything out. I needed to once again be a lone wolf, but I didn't know how to admit this to myself.

I remember the night when it all fell apart between Stella and I. Or at least when the unraveling between us began. Some of the uncomfortable feelings still linger within me if I allow myself to go back. I had spent the day training and attempting to work the streets in Paris (that's a whole other story). Exhausted, I went to bed early while she was still out. In the night, I awoke as she returned home with a friend. Attempting to be social, I pushed off sleep and hung out with everyone. Very quickly, I realized that I was the third wheel in this situation. My presence was blocking them (Stella and her friend) from enjoying themselves...from enjoying each other, if you know what I mean. It was a terribly uncomfortable situation for me. At that time, I was too weak-willed to address it head-on, so I just sat in discomfort until the other man left. After their goodbye, which was much too cute and sweet for my liking (I was deep in the throes of jealousy at that moment)....we had our talk that changed everything. It was clear. I needed to find a new place to live. I needed to be completely independent of her. Our romance that started in India along the Ganges River, our romance that spanned across the world as I traveled for 2 years, our romance that ultimately brought me into the world of circus - was now coming to its end. I couldn't accept it at first, but luckily I had my new dreams of becoming a circus artist to distract me. After this awkward night of Stella bringing her 'friend' home, I left her home a few days later. This meant that I was officially homeless in Paris. Stella said I could stay while I figured things out, but my pride and dignity wouldn't allow that.

I spent the rest of my time in Paris sleeping between a yoga studio (I had picked up a job as a teacher), a house of a friend (whom I met from handbalancing classes), and couches of strangers. This period of moving from place to place was incredibly hard. I felt alone. I felt stupid. I felt that maybe I should give up on my journey. One day, as I was journaling about these difficult emotions while drinking coffee at a cafe, I saw a man passed out on the street in front of me. He looked closer to death than to life. In one way, it broke my heart to see this man sprawled out on the street. In another way, it gave me a sense of clarity. My situation was uncomfortable and tricky, but it wasn't that bad. It wasn't as bad as the situation of the man before me. I wasn't half-dead on a street corner. No. I was still full of life, full of desire, and full of unfulfilled dreams that I couldn't stop chasing. I finished my coffee and furthermore, I finished feeling sorry for myself because, in reality, there was nothing to feel sorry for myself about. People are homeless all the time. People experience heart break all the time. I wasn't unique or special in my tribulations. I didn't need to let these obstacles feel so heavy. As everything else in life, they would come and go. Time to move the fuck on! I ordered one more espresso to help get the momentum going. Onwards ever! I left the cafe that morning buzzing with a newfound sense of purpose and inspiration. Or maybe it was the caffeine? It doesn't matter. I needed to figure out where I would sleep that night, and more importantly, I needed to be patient while I awaited auditions for circus school. I had some weeks until they began. I just needed to survive until then. One day at a time. I was on a mission. All or nothing. I would go until absolute failure. If I wasn't absolutely failing and being forced to give up, then it meant that my journey wasn't over.

P.S. For the record: I still speak with Stella from time to time. To have had my time with her in this life was an absolute gift! I write this story with her permision and blessing. Love can come and go. It's a rollercoaster ride filled with intense emotion. Both ecstasy and pain. May we always learn what we must from the lovers that we have. They are gifts. They are messengers. They show us what we need to know by way of our own heart.

The handstand crew!